What do you think of my fictional writing?

閳ユ窔n Love閳?br> By: Jared

Everyday I wake up and wonder閳? Is today going to be different? Or is today going to be just like any other day and he ignore me like always? People never see the side of me that is in love with him and chances are they never will閳? I pray every night and every morning that one day I will be with him but yeah like that will ever happen閳?The most I ever get from him is a look and sometimes a smile as we pass in the hallway as I pray that he will one day walk up and say 閳ユ窏ey閳?or 閳ユ窏ow閳ユ獨 it going閳?閳?That would mean so much to me but he could care less. What do I matter to him? I am just another guy that goes to his school in his eyes....

I hear stories about him going to parties or going on dates and I don閳ユ獩 know why, but it KILLS me. I remember one time I had one of my friends take a picture of him, Man what a mistake, He came up to her and knocked my phone from her hands and asked her specifically 閳ユ辅hat the hell her problem was?閳?People flocked to aid him therefore I know that even if he was gay he could NEVER come out of the closet therefore there would be no way I could know if he liked me閳?Even if he was gay why would he want me as good as he looks he could have anyone he wanted male or female閳?br> With his gorgeous blue eyes that set off his perfect blond hair and his beautiful smile everything about him is so perfect. I have never in my life seen anyone more beautiful, the moment I laid eyes on him for the first time I couldn閳ユ獩 stop starring and I know people may have noticed but I couldn閳ユ獩 help it, I don閳ユ獩 really even remember it that well. I guess you could say that was the moment I fell in love. Now, not a day goes by that I don閳ユ獩 think of him. Usually he is on my mind from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep at night and then I dream about him閳?br> I passed by his house today and a million thoughts ran wildly through my mind. God how I would love to be there with him. But that would never happen. After I arrived home I jumped online and checked out his myspace mainly so I could look at his gorgeous face閳?I discovered that this 閳ユ发ary閳?girl was all over him like maggots on dead roadkill that had been in the middle of the road after a 90 degree summer day..

This flew through me like fire in hell and I wanted to kill her so badly and then as I viewed her pictures I came across the sluttish one she had which all of them looked like they had came from a playboy magazine. Below the picture was a comment from him it read 閳ユ窔 already have this posted above my bed閳?after I read this I wasn閳ユ獩 sure if I should cry or kill her but I knew something had to be done閳?br> After I calmed a bit I realized I was stuck between true life and obsession and it seemed as the days passed my obsession grew longer and I couldn閳ユ獩 do a damn thing to stop it. I wanted to be with him so bad it literally hurt and the pain only eased as I cried so that is what I have done for the past two weeks, cried. I get lonely everyday and wander what would it be like to be with him. I cry myself to sleep every night wishing he was right beside me. Holding me telling me everything was going to be ok. But no he is to busy with his cheap whores and fun with his little group of friends they like to call each other 閳ユ翻he Crew閳?

I know as the more I long for him the more the rage will build up and then what will I have to do? Resort to suicide? That would be possible in the future but now the pain was bearable. But only hurt more and more as the days passed. I would do anything just for him to hug me.. But all I ever got was a look. Does he not understand how much he is hurting one person? I guess one day he will understand when they find me face down in a pillow clinching his picture with a death grip閳?maybe then they will all understand, understand the pain that wheals me every single moment of my life without him閳?Until then I will lie here in pain longing for my true love to come but god knows he never will閳ワ腹鈧?Until then I will wait and wait my life away until one day it will all end and go down with one single pull of the trigger閳?

This is totally fiction I am just practicing my writing skills!

What do you think of my fictional writing?

okey dokey, :)

first off - good plot line. you have some really good "meat" in there. i liked a few of your adjectives and metaphors. ( those are really important to making your story exciting)

i'm going to assume that this is a rough draft or a first draft because of the spelling - but that will get better as you come closer to your final copy.

you may need help in one area - punctuation. it seems so trivial but it is really important because it helps people understand your story much better.

you also need to be very careful in, what i call, the "writing like i'm talking" department. haha. it took me quite a while to figure this out. try to AVOID this as much as possible. when you write you have to be clearer because you don't have things like the pitch of your voice and pauses to get the message across.

also - you may want to rephrase this sentence:

I discovered that this 閳ユ发ary閳?girl was all over him like maggots on dead roadkill that had been in the middle of the road after a 90 degree summer day..

THAT is an UBER run on, haha. it's a good visual but you have to be careful when you write sentences that you add onto.

very nice otherwise. you definitely don't have many run-ons (which seems to be a common mistake). you could add a few more adjectives to liven up the story more. otherwise, its very nice!!

good work :)

What do you think of my fictional writing?

Hey, your'e a good writer. i loved your story!! don't be afraid to express yourself in your writing...i do it all the time!! Report It

What do you think of my fictional writing?

wow thats really good...it kinda reminded me of my past....glad i got over him.... nbut your story is really good...someday your going to become a great writer.good luck in whatever you aspire to be but you dont need it !